Anger that comes at the end or towards the end of a relationship can manifest with a fury and rage. Those around us become uncomfortable with our anger and we are frequently told to “let it go”. Amid this anger, what is much more helpful to hear is “You have every right to your anger.” Why wouldn’t someone have a right to their feelings after all? Anger makes others around us feel very uncomfortable and because of this discomfort they just want us to be happy and content, easily like if by magic. Anger, however, is just masking our true feelings. The masked emotions are feelings of hurt, disappointment, hopelessness, loss, grief, devaluation just to name a few. Identifying what the underlying feeling is is paramount to understanding what is happening to us emotionally and tells us what we need to do to start healing.
Anger and the underlying negative emotions are very normal in the beginning of the loss of a relationship. Sometimes though, especially in situations that were in some way traumatic, we may hold onto that anger and those negative feelings for many years. This anger starts to take a negative toll on our emotional, social, and physical health. So why would we hold onto anger if it were so destructive?
There are several reasons as to why we may not let go. Maybe we falsely believe that if we keep our guard up and show a strong independent “I don’t need anyone” façade we can keep our heart protected and safe. No one can ever hurt us again. Perhaps, we falsely believe that if we allow happiness in that it would in someway make what the other person did okay since we recovered and are now living a happy life. Another reason maybe that we are just lost and directionless. We do not have the goals in place for ourselves and feel like the “perfect” life got away. Which ever of these or countless other reasons are for the anger, the harm only becomes us.
So how to let go?
1. Focus on your goals. When you find yourself focusing on something negative, remind yourself of your goals and ask yourself “Is this behavior/thought currently helping me reach them?”
2. Pamper yourself! Take that trip you wanted to take, cook and enjoy a gourmet meal, soak in the tub, light some candles, indulge yourself in a comfy pillow, or get yourself those new sneakers for walking/running.
3. Reach out to your support system. Do this by giving a call, making plans to spend physical time together, ask them to come by and play cards or a boardgame, ask a friend to start exercising with you. No positive people in your life? Join a group or organization that piques your interest.
What do your 3 steps look like?
Barbara Duchnowski, ACHt, MSW, LCSW Barbara Duchnowski is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with a Masters Degree in Social Work from Rutgers University. Over the past 30 years of experience in the mental health field, Barbara has worked in various clinical, educational, community, and private practice settings as a therapist, counselor, coach, group facilitator, professional development trainer, in addition to, holding leadership roles. Through her work, Barbara recognized a pattern of trauma history in relationship to mental health and behavioral challenges encountered by children, caregivers, families, and adults. Barbara is driven by her passion to help those suffering from trauma recognize they “deserve good” in their lives and provide them with the foundations to work towards healing and living a fulfilling abundant life. In addition to her Masters in Social Work and is certified as an Advanced Clinical Hypnotherapist.
