Why Being Honest With Yourself is Important When Coming Out Of A Toxic Relationship

You did it!  You are now free from the destructive relationship in your life either by your decision or the other’s decision.  It is a liberating moment in your life!  Yet, at the same time, perhaps one of the most frightening moments since the future has now become unknown.  Even though the toxic relationship was affecting you in a destructive way it was something you knew and were familiar with. 

Now that it is behind you, the road you travel will be yours to choose. Your decisions will be your guide on this journey. It is normal to feel anxious and afraid at the thought of forging a new life for yourself.  In addition, may be going through a roller coaster of strong emotions. You did, after all, just experience a major life stressor by coming out of a relationship. Take a deep breathe and be proud of your courage. 

The path forward starts with a deep dive into exploring your needs, desires, and motivators.  Asking yourself questions and being honest with yourself in the process.  Perhaps jot your answers down in a journal. The dialogue you are having is with you and no one else.  Keep the judgement out and stick to “just the facts”.  No one is perfect.  We all make mistakes, and this is what makes you human. You have been given an opportunity, be it perhaps difficult, to make new choices for yourself. To build a future that gives you joy. Being honest with yourself is very powerful in moving forward in your life.

Look back at this past relationship.  Why did you choose this person? Was it out of convenience? Did you think no one else would want you or this was the best you could do?  What need were they filling? Was the person filling a financial, physical, social, spiritual, other type of need?  Did you diminish yourself in any way to appease the other? Did you put your life goals aside and if yes, why? Were there behaviors or patterns of behaviors you didn’t like about yourself when you were with this person? Did you set your own needs aside or did you place your needs to the forefront? 

These are very difficult questions because we may truly not like the answers that shed light on aspects of ourselves.  Being honest now will help with forging forward on your new journey hopefully avoiding some of the same pitfalls. Answering questions such as these will help you build the framework of your future goals. 

Being ingenuous with ourselves will only continue our struggle with building a future that will bring us fulfillment.  The little white lies we tell ourselves keep us stuck in destructive patterns, relationships, and life strategies.  It may be time to set yourself free and live that authentic life by being honest with the most important person in your life….You.

Barbara Duchnowski, ACHt, MSW, LCSW  Barbara Duchnowski is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker  with a Masters Degree in Social Work from Rutgers University. Over the past 30 years of experience in the mental health field, Barbara has worked in various clinical, educational, community, and private practice settings as a therapist, counselor, coach, group facilitator, professional development trainer, in addition to, holding leadership roles. 
Through her work, Barbara recognized a pattern of trauma history in relationship to mental health and behavioral challenges encountered by those suffering “heartbreak” due to loss of a relationship.   Barbara is driven by her passion to help those suffering from “heartbreak”  recognize they “deserve good” in their lives and provide them with the foundations to work towards healing and living a fulfilling abundant life.  In addition to her Masters in Social Work, Barbara holds a Bachelors in Psychology and is certified as an Advanced Clinical Hypnotherapist