After the Breakup: 6 Ways to Stop Making Yourself Small and Live with Joy (Part 1)
The relationship is over. It is normal to look back and try to assess what went wrong. For some, there
may have been an epiphany of sorts, some recognition of a pattern. The pattern of making oneself
small, prioritizing the ex-partner’s needs as being more important in comparison to one’s own. Believing
that you do not deserve to shine, thrive, or grow as it is more important for others to have the spotlight
and opportunity.
So why all the negative limit setting thoughts swirling around in the mind? Various
reasons. Some of us are taught from a young age to step aside and let the other take the extra cookie,
win the game, or leave with the last word. We may have been taught to value “peace” over “being
right” or “slowing down” to let a younger sibling win the race.
These ideas may have been imbedded
into our psyche by our parents, siblings, religion, culture, media, or educators. All with more than likely
very good intention. After all, it does feel so good to do good for others!
But what if one is almost always diminishing one’s needs and capabilities? Fast forward to the adult
years and one may find oneself still “stepping aside”. Thinking “they are more worthy” or “I really don’t
need that win but they do”. This kind of repeated thinking can eventually leave one feeling undervalued,
restrained, or unappreciated.
One may experience thoughts such as: “Why is their time more valuable
than mine?” “Why am I valuing their skills over mine?” “Why am I valuing another’s wellbeing over my
own wellbeing?” Why am I making all the sacrifices?”
When we place other’s needs in front of our own
repeatedly and consistently, we leave ourselves depleted and eventually bitter, feeling as though life is
passing us by. In short, joyless. So how to go about changing this?
Click here to Continue to Part 2
Barbara Duchnowski, ACHt, MSW, LCSW Barbara Duchnowski is a Licensed Clinical Social
Worker with a Master’s Degree in Social Work from Rutgers University. Over the past 25 years
of experience in the mental health field, Barbara has worked in various clinical, educational,
community, and private practice settings as a therapist, counselor, coach, professional
development trainer, in addition to, holding leadership roles.
Through her work, Barbara recognized a pattern of trauma history in relationship to mental health and behavioral
challenges encountered by children, caregivers, families, and adults. Barbara is driven by her
passion to help those struggling with mental health challenges recognize they “deserve good” in
their lives and provide them with the foundations to work towards healing and living a fulfilling
abundant life. In addition to her Master’s in Social Work, Barbara is certified as an Advanced
Clinical Hypnotherapist