Your relationship ended months or even years ago; so why is it so hard to move forward?  To start, not only did the relationship end but also all the hopes and dreams that went along with it.   The future that was once so neatly planned is now full of uncertainty.  It is normal to be anxious, worried, and scared. All the negative thoughts of a lonely bleak future roll in.  It is interesting how the mind focuses on the “worst case” outcomes.   In life, however, good things happen too!  Just think about all the positives, things that may be being taken for granted……they are everywhere.  Why is it so hard to see them? Traumas stick out in our minds like intense moments of pure destruction and upheaval, casting a dark shadow on all the good in our lives.  So how to focus on the positives instead of looking at what was lost along with the endless barrage of “what ifs”? 

Stop, breath, close your eyes.  It is all about the energy and where we focus our energy.  Imagine yourself riding a bicycle.  To be successful riding a bike we look forward towards our destination and somehow, if by magic, we stay balanced and move forward to where we want to be.  Now imagine another scenario, instead of looking at your destination, you look at the ground as you pedal.  One guess?  That is correct, if you are looking at the ground, you and your bicycle will end up there.  What does this tell us?  The importance of looking forward to getting to where we want to be in life.

Here is the million-dollar question “How do I know where I want to go in life?  I thought I knew but life detoured me?”  Stop, breath, close your eyes.  Imagine you have been granted one wish, the wish of a great life.  What would it look like?  What would you be doing?  Who would you be with?  Where would you live? How would you look? What would your days be filled with?  Got it?  It would be wonderful if by magic it could come to us that easily but maybe we can have a piece of it? A piece we will have to work towards. 

What changes do you need to start making in your life today, right now?   Does it include being healthier, more active, socializing more or less, having a new career, growing a family, spending more time with others, speaking a new language, creating art, playing an instrument, living near the ocean or mountains…….the opportunities are endless!  You have been given the gift of a new beginning!  Every time you catch yourself going into the past and replaying old hurts. 

Stop, breath, and imagine your good life.  What do you need to do ….right now….to start making your dream reality.  Focus on you and your goals and let the other person travel their own road and let life give them what they deserve. Giving them energy saps yours and interferes with you making your dreams come true. It is up to you to start creating a new life, a good life, for yourself.  You deserve it! 

Barbara Duchnowski, ACHt, MSW, LCSW  Barbara Duchnowski is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with a Masters Degree in Social Work from Rutgers University. Over the past 30 years of experience in the mental health field, Barbara has worked in various clinical, educational, community, and private practice settings as a therapist, counselor, coach, group facilitator, professional development trainer, in addition to, holding leadership roles.  Through her work, Barbara recognized a pattern of trauma history in relationship to mental health and behavioral challenges encountered by children, caregivers, families, and adults.  Barbara is driven by her passion to help those suffering from trauma recognize they “deserve good” in their lives and provide them with the foundations to work towards healing and living a fulfilling abundant life.  In addition to her Masters in Social Work and is certified as an Advanced Clinical Hypnotherapist.